Am I full of it?

I have been so energized by my classes...the readings, the lectures and discussions. The drive to school (one hour each way) goes by very fast...either in anticipation or in beginning to absorb what was presented in the hours in class. My cohort is great and one of them made me laugh out loud yesterday...a true, tears in your eyes kind of laugh.

So I thought everything was going very well until I started to feel dizzy and unsteady today. Not literally, but psychically. I did a mental inventory to see if I could determine what was going on.

The last few days have been rich with meaning...and at the same time a little light on normal daily life....the kind of thing that allows you to absorb deep questions while you are folding the laundry:

• Mary Oliver's passing meant that her poems were visible on digital and social media and they conjured up renewed questions about life ("Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?");
• A Ted video partially shared in class and later watched to completion shook me up for its vulnerability and tragedy;
• Our readings were focused on spirituality as part of recovery and what that meant. Joyful yet thoughtful;
• An essay shared by a friend, written by Scott Russell Sanders, describes the horror of growing up with an alcoholic father and the trauma never quite erased from the family. ("Under the influence" by Scott Russell Sanders)

So, yeah, some pretty heavy stuff. Rich as well, and I'm grateful for all of it. 

So what has me feeling this mental vertigo? 

Partially it's this feeling of increasing vulnerability. My daily professional purpose used to be to write grants, woo board members, shepherd arts programming....things that could be ticked off at the end of the day and that moved an organization forward. I have daily work now, too, of course....readings, short essays....but it's all in service to me and my own goals. And that is an enormous paradigm shift in my outlook. 

Finally...and this is the real kicker...I begin observation on the recovery units this week. Fortunately we are asked to be seen and not heard. After just three weeks, we have no business speaking up at all. But it will be the first time I will be face to face with the IRL (in real life) world of patients in recovery. I believe I will have the needed empathy. I know I will be open to learning and not feel that I have to know it all at this stage. I think my fear is whether I have the staying power for this. Do I have the ability to hit the reset button multiple times a day to welcome a patient into a session with "unconditional positive regard" after previous boring/exhausting/emotional sessions? 

There's where I wonder if I'm just full of it. Yes, I have empathy and smarts, but do I have the staying power?