I'm fortunate to not be working while I go to school but I do have a full life and many interests. So far (three weeks in), I've been able to keep up with the readings and small assignments pretty easily. Things are picking up, though, and as I lay out the reading assignments for myself and see the prompts on the school's internal website that "You still need to submit your work for (....)" I start to have slight heart palpitations. Ie, I was going to go to the grocery store but maybe I need to read all 100 pages of Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy right now.
So I made myself a cup of tea (always a good thing) and wrote out a weekly schedule for this term. First I scheduled when I'm in class or assigned to do some clinical observation. Then assigned day parts for school work (either reading or assignments). Then a few periods for the business of life (groceries, laundry) and a few open periods, just because. Not rocket science at all, but so calming.
Today is the one day when I don't have any school work time scheduled. So even though the books on the coffee table catch my eye or I think about what I want to write for a short discussion post for class, I can defer those thoughts without guilt and know that I have a commitment to attend to that work on Saturday.
I plan to be flexible, of course, but only to opportunities not delays. And it gives me leave to really enjoy and/or be productive in other areas during those times when school work is not scheduled. No more free-floating school work anxiety. Or at least anxiety about when I should be studying.
Thursday, January 24, 2019
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
Am I full of it?
I have been so energized by my classes...the readings, the lectures and discussions. The drive to school (one hour each way) goes by very fast...either in anticipation or in beginning to absorb what was presented in the hours in class. My cohort is great and one of them made me laugh out loud yesterday...a true, tears in your eyes kind of laugh.
So I thought everything was going very well until I started to feel dizzy and unsteady today. Not literally, but psychically. I did a mental inventory to see if I could determine what was going on.
The last few days have been rich with meaning...and at the same time a little light on normal daily life....the kind of thing that allows you to absorb deep questions while you are folding the laundry:
So I thought everything was going very well until I started to feel dizzy and unsteady today. Not literally, but psychically. I did a mental inventory to see if I could determine what was going on.
The last few days have been rich with meaning...and at the same time a little light on normal daily life....the kind of thing that allows you to absorb deep questions while you are folding the laundry:
- Mary Oliver's passing meant that her poems were visible on digital and social media and they conjured up renewed questions about life ("Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?");
- A Ted video partially shared in class and later watched to completion shook me up for its vulnerability and tragedy;
- Our readings were focused on spirituality as part of recovery and what that meant. Joyful yet thoughtful;
- An essay shared by a friend, written by Scott Russell Sanders, describes the horror of growing up with an alcoholic father and the trauma never quite erased from the family. ("Under the influence" by Scott Russell Sanders)
So, yeah, some pretty heavy stuff. Rich as well, and I'm grateful for all of it.
So what has me feeling this mental vertigo?
Partially it's this feeling of increasing vulnerability. My daily professional purpose used to be to write grants, woo board members, shepherd arts programming....things that could be ticked off at the end of the day and that moved an organization forward. I have daily work now, too, of course....readings, short essays....but it's all in service to me and my own goals. And that is an enormous paradigm shift in my outlook.
Finally...and this is the real kicker...I begin observation on the recovery units this week. Fortunately we are asked to be seen and not heard. After just three weeks, we have no business speaking up at all. But it will be the first time I will be face to face with the IRL (in real life) world of patients in recovery. I believe I will have the needed empathy. I know I will be open to learning and not feel that I have to know it all at this stage. I think my fear is whether I have the staying power for this. Do I have the ability to hit the reset button multiple times a day to welcome a patient into a session with "unconditional positive regard" after previous boring/exhausting/emotional sessions?
There's where I wonder if I'm just full of it. Yes, I have empathy and smarts, but do I have the staying power?
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
Self-care
Chapter two in our book Issues and Ethics in the Helping Professions has a whole section devoted to "Maintaining Vitality through Self-Care." "Becoming and being a resilient practitioner is about wellness. Our own wellness is necessary so we can marshal the enormous energy necessary for the work with our clients."
It is even noted* that a therapeutic lifestyle (self-care strategies) can be as effective as either therapy or medicines and offer other advantages such as enhancing health and well-being.
Part of me says to this, "well, duh. Pretty obvious."
But another part of me admits that I would probably earn a C at best in self-care if it was part of our grade.
Intellectually, I know all of the benefits of good physical and mental health. But it appears that I could now face an ethical dilemma: Am I practicing what I will (likely) be preaching? And perhaps even more importantly, am I keeping myself in shape in order to provide the best counseling for my future client?
Both of these questions reframe the daily "shoulds" in my life in new ways. Those "shoulds" involve everything from a daily meditation practice to creative time to physical exercise. The "shoulds" have been with me for all of my life, so I'm pretty comfortable with them. Like some family members they are annoying but I accept them for their long-term presence in my life. Unlike family members, it may be time to confront them and perhaps even banish them. Or at least set up some new boundaries.
In my journaling practice (private) I often list these "shoulds" out in the hopes that I'll find a new plan to integrate them into my daily life. There have been some small successes and a few days when I will keep up with a practice and then it falls off the radar.
I blame two different problems for this:
1. I never learned to practice.
I grew up without sports or music lessons or really any kind of lessons. I never had that experience of learning to be better through practice. My school work came easily and there really wasn't anything else.
My first insight into practice was with a friend who went through a horrific life event and became agoraphobic. Of course, she went through therapy to work on this but there was also a day when I called her and her husband said, "She's out practicing." I asked what that meant and he said she was trying to drive to the end of their (.5 mile) driveway and back. Practicing. How brave. (And a good news ending. She now flies all over the world to promote and manage her own business.)
I also remember a violinist leading a lecture with music students at a music festival a number of years ago. Her focus was on practicing and how much she hated it. Her solution? Instead of turning to the pages where she could fly with brilliance through solo passages she gave herself 30 minutes to only work on the passages where she fell below her standards. Instead of having a heady practice session where she ripped off a cadenza brilliantly...but didn't really make any progress...she asked herself to only work on the passages where she was less than brilliant but for only a specific and short amount of time. She ended her practice session with multiple accomplishments:
2. Immediate gratification.
Do I really need to explain this? One 15 minute meditation does not bring enlightenment. And even if it did:
I think I will come back to this subject and end here for now. But it will be an important challenge for me as I become a counselor.
*I am not yet familiar with the APA (American Psychological Association) formatting stye for citing information. I hope to get better (ok, I have to get better in order to write my future papers!) but for now I won't be using APA in this blog.
It is even noted* that a therapeutic lifestyle (self-care strategies) can be as effective as either therapy or medicines and offer other advantages such as enhancing health and well-being.
Part of me says to this, "well, duh. Pretty obvious."
But another part of me admits that I would probably earn a C at best in self-care if it was part of our grade.
Intellectually, I know all of the benefits of good physical and mental health. But it appears that I could now face an ethical dilemma: Am I practicing what I will (likely) be preaching? And perhaps even more importantly, am I keeping myself in shape in order to provide the best counseling for my future client?
Both of these questions reframe the daily "shoulds" in my life in new ways. Those "shoulds" involve everything from a daily meditation practice to creative time to physical exercise. The "shoulds" have been with me for all of my life, so I'm pretty comfortable with them. Like some family members they are annoying but I accept them for their long-term presence in my life. Unlike family members, it may be time to confront them and perhaps even banish them. Or at least set up some new boundaries.
In my journaling practice (private) I often list these "shoulds" out in the hopes that I'll find a new plan to integrate them into my daily life. There have been some small successes and a few days when I will keep up with a practice and then it falls off the radar.
I blame two different problems for this:
1. I never learned to practice.
I grew up without sports or music lessons or really any kind of lessons. I never had that experience of learning to be better through practice. My school work came easily and there really wasn't anything else.
My first insight into practice was with a friend who went through a horrific life event and became agoraphobic. Of course, she went through therapy to work on this but there was also a day when I called her and her husband said, "She's out practicing." I asked what that meant and he said she was trying to drive to the end of their (.5 mile) driveway and back. Practicing. How brave. (And a good news ending. She now flies all over the world to promote and manage her own business.)
I also remember a violinist leading a lecture with music students at a music festival a number of years ago. Her focus was on practicing and how much she hated it. Her solution? Instead of turning to the pages where she could fly with brilliance through solo passages she gave herself 30 minutes to only work on the passages where she fell below her standards. Instead of having a heady practice session where she ripped off a cadenza brilliantly...but didn't really make any progress...she asked herself to only work on the passages where she was less than brilliant but for only a specific and short amount of time. She ended her practice session with multiple accomplishments:
- She'd committed to a specific amount of time and kept that commitment;
- She had battled with her music demons instead of ignoring them;
- She left the session with zero guilt.
2. Immediate gratification.
Do I really need to explain this? One 15 minute meditation does not bring enlightenment. And even if it did:
Before Enlightenment, chop wood carry water, after Enlightenment, chop wood carry water.
I think I will come back to this subject and end here for now. But it will be an important challenge for me as I become a counselor.
*I am not yet familiar with the APA (American Psychological Association) formatting stye for citing information. I hope to get better (ok, I have to get better in order to write my future papers!) but for now I won't be using APA in this blog.
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
Sharing
Day one of classes is over and no one died, not even me. :)
I was engaged in both classes (two yesterday and two today) and am eager to dive into the readings and assignments. Though, of course, I am also a little anxious. I have yet to learn some of the language of this field and our assignments are designed to encourage critical thinking and analysis...an expectation that feels to me like trying to write in a foreign language about a surgical procedure when I haven't been to med school.
What surprised me most about yesterday weren't the classes but a rather profound moment I had with a student colleague. We were idly chatting about a professor who is mildly intimidating. But we were also, together, reminding ourselves that the teachers are on our side and want us to succeed (true).
Out of nowhere I admitted to my colleague that the previous 24 hours had been full of dark-ish thoughts about past hurts and slights and wrong actions done to me....thoughts and memories that I would rather put behind me. But they showed up and were pretty insistent about being heard even if I wasn't welcoming them.
In my previous professional world, I would never had said anything like this, first of all. Second I would not expect the deeply sympathetic response I got from my colleague and finally, I was so moved by his reply. Something like "when big change is happening, everyone wants to show up again and see if there's a seat at the new table for them....even the crappy stuff that you had hoped had been sent away permanently."
I felt deeply heard by my colleague. Is there anything better?
I was engaged in both classes (two yesterday and two today) and am eager to dive into the readings and assignments. Though, of course, I am also a little anxious. I have yet to learn some of the language of this field and our assignments are designed to encourage critical thinking and analysis...an expectation that feels to me like trying to write in a foreign language about a surgical procedure when I haven't been to med school.
What surprised me most about yesterday weren't the classes but a rather profound moment I had with a student colleague. We were idly chatting about a professor who is mildly intimidating. But we were also, together, reminding ourselves that the teachers are on our side and want us to succeed (true).
Out of nowhere I admitted to my colleague that the previous 24 hours had been full of dark-ish thoughts about past hurts and slights and wrong actions done to me....thoughts and memories that I would rather put behind me. But they showed up and were pretty insistent about being heard even if I wasn't welcoming them.
In my previous professional world, I would never had said anything like this, first of all. Second I would not expect the deeply sympathetic response I got from my colleague and finally, I was so moved by his reply. Something like "when big change is happening, everyone wants to show up again and see if there's a seat at the new table for them....even the crappy stuff that you had hoped had been sent away permanently."
I felt deeply heard by my colleague. Is there anything better?
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Missing Arts Leadership
Last night I noticed on Facebook that a pair of musician friends were part of a live streamed concert of some wonderful chamber music: Brahms, Schubert, etc. It happened to be a good time for me to click in and enjoy the concert and see my friends in performance and so I did.
At intermission the director of the concert series came out to speak to the audience. I didn't have to listen to what he said, but I got a lump in my throat seeing it. I'm sure he thanked everyone for being there and thanked the musicians. He likely asked for financial support. He might have encouraged people to come again and bring friends. Probably only a few would thank him (though likely the musicians would) for his work in organizing, promoting, finding the funding and attending to all of the details to make a meaningful evening for everyone.
The work of that director is what I did for many years and I loved every second of it. There was nothing like preparing the stage (literally and figuratively) for artists to come and provide an hour or two of a different world view that could have the possibility of intensifying our own life experience. I loved providing a space for artists to do their work and inviting the audience to witness to it.
I'm at peace with the decision to leave the arts world, but that doesn't mean I don't miss it and my role in that field. I don't know if there will be a substitute in my future for this kind of work...there may or may not be. I am certain that there will be a different sort of satisfaction in my new work and I am confident that there is room in a life for all of this.
At intermission the director of the concert series came out to speak to the audience. I didn't have to listen to what he said, but I got a lump in my throat seeing it. I'm sure he thanked everyone for being there and thanked the musicians. He likely asked for financial support. He might have encouraged people to come again and bring friends. Probably only a few would thank him (though likely the musicians would) for his work in organizing, promoting, finding the funding and attending to all of the details to make a meaningful evening for everyone.
The work of that director is what I did for many years and I loved every second of it. There was nothing like preparing the stage (literally and figuratively) for artists to come and provide an hour or two of a different world view that could have the possibility of intensifying our own life experience. I loved providing a space for artists to do their work and inviting the audience to witness to it.
I'm at peace with the decision to leave the arts world, but that doesn't mean I don't miss it and my role in that field. I don't know if there will be a substitute in my future for this kind of work...there may or may not be. I am certain that there will be a different sort of satisfaction in my new work and I am confident that there is room in a life for all of this.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
Beginner's Mind - Day One of Orientation
This place is serious. They've scheduled three eight-hour days of orientation for us before we begin classes next week. And it's not just a tour of campus, a friendly meet-your-profs coffee and how to evacuate the building if there is a fire drill kind of orientation. Today we have lectures on self-care, the capstone project (which actually begins in our first term) and a first review of the many policies we'll have to follow (ie, privacy, privacy, privacy).
As I listen to introductions and look at the schedule I'm reminded of the phrase "beginner's mind." Beginner's mind is dropping our expectations and preconceived ideas about something and seeing things with an open mind and fresh eyes. However, if you're in an orientation session (after decades as a professional), beginner's mind is a challenge. That's me. As a former producer and administrator who has led multiple meetings, conferences and orientations I am evaluating all of it through my own professional filter....do we really need this much time on this subject? this presenter is not sticking to the subject!
But it seems that student support really has a handle on this, they don't need me to help them and they really are giving us information that we truly need. Beginner's mind. Stay open.
As I listen to introductions and look at the schedule I'm reminded of the phrase "beginner's mind." Beginner's mind is dropping our expectations and preconceived ideas about something and seeing things with an open mind and fresh eyes. However, if you're in an orientation session (after decades as a professional), beginner's mind is a challenge. That's me. As a former producer and administrator who has led multiple meetings, conferences and orientations I am evaluating all of it through my own professional filter....do we really need this much time on this subject? this presenter is not sticking to the subject!
But it seems that student support really has a handle on this, they don't need me to help them and they really are giving us information that we truly need. Beginner's mind. Stay open.
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